DROOP THE DRUID’S GUIDE ON
HOW TO BE A DRUID
Copyright 1986, 1988, 1994 Cainteanna na Luise (Droop the Druid)
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To practice beginning to be a true Irish druid you need to do nine things, plus three more things (both three and nine are very druidy numbers and full druids usually only need to use one or the other, but because you are a beginner, you better use both.
1) Never never never wear white (unless your getting married and your poor old mother’s heart would break in three peices if you don’t at least pretend that your still a virgin). REAL druids did not wear white, it’s just awful to keep clean, ans everyone will think you belong to the KKK.
2) Be very polite (x3) to trees (be very very very nice to rowans, hazels, yews, and antique hat trees if you don’t know what other kind they were first). Never walk by one without at least nodding hello, and never never never wipe your mouth after kissing one!
3) Always carry hazelnuts. This is so you will always have a proper tasty gift to offer any magical beings you meet, but it has an almost not quite as niffty use: you have them in your pocket and can play with them and who needs worry-beads, and (of course there’s three reasons!) when you do
this, they make little knicky-knocky noises and people ask “are those stones in your pocket?’ and you say “no, hazelnuts’ and show them. Which means when you hear someone else going knicky-knocky in THEIR pocket, you ask THEM (you can use variations like “are those pebbles in your
pocket?”) and if THEY say “no, hazelnuts”, then – hurrah three times – you know they are druids too! Just think, you can be in a strange city and not know anyone and right there at the bus-stop is this other person going knicky-knocky in his pocket (it’s LOTS better three times than a stupid secret handshake because for that you need to meet the person first – running up to strangers and grabbing their hands to shake can get you in BIG trouble – and even you meet them and they are, they may have germs! You can hear the knicky-knocky witjhout any of that.
4) Always tell the truth (in whatever way you feel most artistic at the time). It is absolutely manditory (x3x3x3) that a true Irish druid always tell the truth, but it is also manditory (x3x3x3) that he or she be very very very creative with words, and (three things) that they think of these two (not a druidy number – eck!) things as the same thing.
5) Learn to speak Irish. Among other spin-offs this lets you Discuss Druidy Dope deals when your phone is tapped because no one else (including the Irish) speaks Irish, and if they do, they won’t pronounce it the way you do anyway.
6) Practice mizzpelling things. Not writing anything down is inpossibil in the modern world so yu will need to combromize.
7) Carry more hazelnuts. (Oh! – if he or she is going knicky-knocky in their pocket, and when you ask them “are those stones in your pocket?”, and they say “Yes” — RUN!!!)
8) Try to do as many things as possible in groups of threes, like falling in love, striking out, meals a day, visting bears when they’re not home, and so on, and so on, and so on. (Tho, nine times is OK too). We already implied this at least three times, but it’s so important it gets its own special rule!
9) Never burn people in wicker cages. “All things are sentient”, and wicker cages have feelings too.
10) Be nice to fairies (both kinds!). But if it’s one of the kind who invites you home into a hill instead of to his apartment, be sure you haven’t got aanything important planned for a few hundred years or so.
11) On Samhain remember to wear something blue (skin is best) and carry a piece of rowan wood and (three things) have hazelnuts ready in a case a fairy wants to trick or treat you (depending on you and the kind of fairy you can agree to either or both).
12) Carry even MORE hazelnuts (you knew this was coming…). They are very good for feeding to squirrels. All over the world city park squirrels suffer grievously from malnutrition because cheap hearted skin-flints offer them less inexpensive (and NOT nutritionally balanced) peanuts. And them how do you KNOW the squirrel isn’t SomeBody-Else in disquise? (not all of “them” turn into swans you know.)